Help Fix the Broken

This morning, or maybe sometime during the thunderstorm overnight, I woke up to what I believe is God’s calling.  I wish I could remember now exactly what I “heard.”  Several of my friends who have gone into ministry often speak of when they felt a calling into ministry.  It felt a lot like that.  I feel like I’m being called, but I’m not quite sure of the path He’s calling me into.  I started praying right away saying, “Are you sure Lord?  I’m all for it, I want to follow your path, but you’re going to have to be real clear on this one. I don’t know where to begin let alone what direction to go.  Lord, lead me even push me because I’m going to need a whole lot of guidance if this is the direction you want for me and I sure can’t do it alone.”  I must have drifted back to sleep after that. I woke up with the phrase, “Help fix the broken” on my heart.  It just kept repeating through my head.  I get K-love’s encouraging word of the day delivered to my email and I try to make it a habit to read that before my feet hit the floor in the morning.  Today’s scripture was Ephesians 2:10:

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

As I was getting dressed, my oldest daughter started reading a poem I wrote for her when she was a baby. I remember when I wrote it, I thought it would be a great children’s book. It’s a poem for her about my mom who passed away several years before she was born. I vowed when she passed that my children would still know her through me.  I probably struggle with mourning my mom most when it comes to my children and them never getting to meet their Grandma Connie.  There are several areas of my life that I’ve felt drawn to write about because maybe, just maybe that’s my route to touch someone’s life.  I don’t know if that’s the direction God’s leading me… But it’s an idea to start with.  I’m broken, I think we all struggle with brokenness in some shape or form.  God can’t strengthen or rebuild something that hasn’t first been broken.

Where are we again

The second thing that made me question how we got to this place in time was my date last week. Or rather my date that didn't happen.  I got married when I was 24 to the man who'd been my boyfriend since I was 18.  At 32, I became single mom.  At first, I dated a lot, when the girls would go to their dad's, I felt like that was what I was supposed to do. And had more strange and awkward dates than I would care to admit.  Then I stopped "looking."  I still get asked out from time to time, but lately, I seldom make it to the actual date part.

My daughters have become much more aware of boyfriends and girlfriends and had started asking questions that will someday, way too soon for my liking, lead to me having THOSE conversations. Now, I have never introduced my girls to anyone, and I don't intend to for a long time.  But just asking the beginnings questions has opened my eyes wide.  I started thinking about the type of young men my daughters will someday date. That'll raise you blood pressure!  I was thinking about the ways I would expect a boy to treat and speak to my girls. And it hit me like a load of bricks. Why on earth would I expect anything less from a man who might be interested in me?  And if I settled for less than what I want for them, what kind of example am I setting?

So my date for last week had asked me out and he'd agreed to my driving myself and an out in public first date. Then he started asking me very forward questions. I gave him a chance by telling him I wouldn't be answering questions like that. He seemed to take the hint and continued asking about where I might like to meet him. Our plans were all set. Then, he says, you know if you want me to take you out, your going to have to answer those questions and be upfront with me about $&@. I smiled to myself and simply said, "I am not the woman you are looking for, but I wish you luck in your search." Followed by a click.  And you know what, it felt really good to not allow someone to treat me with disrespect!

I am in no hurry to find "someone." I heard a song soon after by Anthem Lights called "Hide Your Love Away." I was looking for ideas for explaining things to my girls, but it applies to me too.  I saw a sign on Pinterest that said "Yes I'm single, you're going to have to be amazing to change that."  Only honest, respectful, Christian men who have a great sense of humor need apply...  Until then, I'm doing just fine on my own.